Karl Hansen of Hensley, a frequent correspondent, wrote the kindest note.
In a rant about artificial intelligence, Hansen wrote: "Please don't let Ai 'write' your columns for us -- regardless of how handy it might become. Even old geezers like me, too old and infirm to actively hunt and fish, etc. anymore, would immediately recognize it as phony and lacking any authenticity. Felt emotions are expressed individually in the writings of the person providing the accounts. If it AIN'T YOU -- I and many others will recognize that quickly and that will end interest and enjoyment we've come to cherish in your work."
Mr. Hansen's made our day. I don't use artificial intelligence. I prefer to fake it, and I've gotten away with it far longer than I should have. However, Mr. Hansen's entreaty made us wonder if AI offers a different or maybe deeper perspective than which we are capable.
To find out, we asked a search engine for an answer to a question that we are not qualified to answer. The response is worthy to borrow this space for the only AI-written column that will appear in this space. Of this, Karl, you have our word.
Question: "Who would win a fishing tournament between Kevin VanDam and St. Peter?"
Answer: Paraphrased, KVD totally outclasses St. Peter as a fisherman, but you cannot rule out divine intervention giving Peter the edge.
KVD
(Yes, AI refers to the GOAT as KVD).
A highly successful and celebrated professional bass fisherman, KVD has earned millions of dollars and numerous titles throughout his career. He's a master of modern fishing techniques, using advanced equipment and technology to locate and catch fish efficiently. He's known for his intensity, instincts and efficient approach to fishing.
KVD has decades of experience competing in high-pressure tournaments on a variety of waters. He has mastered various techniques and strategies to maximize his catch.
KVD's long career has allowed him to develop a deep understanding of bass behavior and how to trigger strikes in different conditions.
St. Peter
Before becoming an apostle, St. Peter was a fisherman by trade. He was skilled enough to maintain his household through fishing.
Peter worked in partnership with James and John, indicating an understanding of teamwork in fishing operations.
The Bible recounts a time when, under Jesus' guidance, Peter and his companions experienced a miraculous catch of 153 large fish after a night of catching nothing. This suggests a connection to fishing beyond human skill alone.
The Matchup
In a modern fishing tournament setting, KVD would likely have a significant advantage due to his knowledge of bass and tournament strategy. KVD's expertise is specifically in the type of fishing common in modern bass fishing tournaments. He would be familiar with the rules, scoring, and strategies needed to win.
KVD utilizes advanced electronics and equipment to improve his fishing success.
KVD is known for being highly efficient in covering water and presenting baits, giving him more opportunities to catch fish.
While St. Peter was a capable fisherman in his time, he would be at a disadvantage in a modern tournament setting with different species, rules, and technology.
Conclusion
Based on their respective expertise and the nature of modern fishing tournaments, Kevin VanDam would likely win a fishing tournament against St. Peter. However, the "miraculous catch" story reminds us that with divine intervention, anything is possible.
Epilogue
This answer intrigued us and prompted more questions. Such as, "Who would get a higher ACT score, King Solomon or the Tootsie-Pop Wise Old Owl?" AI was sharply critical of the Wise Old Owl, whose crude and inaccurate answer in the only known test of his intellect greatly challenges his credibility.
This led us to wonder who would win a fight between the Apostle Paul and Cornelius from Planet of the Apes.
Amused by that answer, we continued. "Who would win a fight between Biblical Jacob and Kamala the Ugandan Warrior?" AI's answer to that question was fascinating, but AI strained its own credibility by speculating that the all-night wresting match between Jacob and a celestial being might have been "rigged."
This sent us on a merry journey that lasted the better part of the day, illustrating why columnists with ADHD should not mess with AI.
Karl, thank you for indulging us. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.